Summer of My Soul

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer." ~ Zora Neale Hurston

I will be the first to admit that the past five years have been an emotional marathon. Don't get me wrong....there has been so much joy in them....but there has always been at least one thing, if not many, that has ultimately sat on my soul and weighed heavily there, either surfacing from time to time or daily reminding me of its presence.

In speaking with other mother of premature infants, namely those with visual impairments, I have found that I am not alone. Often in the beginning of our children's lives, there are too many unanswered questions. Whole years where you have nothing but questions coming at you or from you. A plethora of unknowns. The answers can take years to come and in the meantime, you have to find a peace with the unknown, and the search for peace ebbs and flows with any given day. And....when the answers do start coming, you have find peace with whatever they might be. And the peace ebbs and flows with any given day.

But there is peace to be had. And for me, that peace happens to be now. This is the summer of my soul. Will it last? Only time will tell. Overall hopefully it will. The day to day worries will come and go, but hopefully they will not camp out on my heart.

The reasons for this blissful summer are many.

• Our new house has instantly become a home, full of little life and lots of love.


• I have a wonderful Billy Bob with whom to share my life.


• Little Jack William has come and is divine.


• Our spirited Livvy shares her zest for life with us every day.

and the exclamation point:

• Camille is blossoming and my mom has been here so many of these summer days to watch her grow.

Early in the summer, Camille underwent yet another surgery, hamstring releases in both legs, which left her double casted for a month. She came out shining and has thrived through all of the change after a few bumps in the road. Her spirit is so alive. She is constantly chattering, full of love for this world and the people in it, and still breathing life into those she knows and meets.

Last Saturday, she, Jack, mom and I went to the Farmer's Market while Liv and Daddy were at swimming lessons. It was an amazing morning. Getting her strength back, she walked around all of the booths, exploring all of the flowers, herbs and vegetables. She was hungry for information, "Mommy, tell me something else!" Afterwards, we strolled over to the coffee shop where she giggled with delight as she learned the words, "Candybar latte coffee" and indulgently sipped out of Grammie's cup, who was obviously spoiling her to high heaven. Later, she endlessly threw pennies into the fountains outside and wished for a new car...a real one, mind you. (Oh, the irony). That night, she helped me make homemade pesto with the basil that she had picked out and she was so proud of herself that she ate two helpings, which for those of you who know her, is soulfood for me in itself. And all of the while, Bill and my mom and I held back tears as we see before us how far she has come and how much she loves life.

For now, at this moment, we have a year that has answers. A beautiful family. A house to call home. A Jack. A Livvy. A Camille that has come so far and is thriving.

P.S. Thinking of you, Sammy J.

Weighing In

Camille had her Kindergarten physical yesterday. She weighed 32 1/4 pounds, which I believe is actually 1/4 of a pound less than last year at this time. Though she is undoubtedly much taller, I believe she's hanging out around the 5th percentile, which will likely make her the pee wee of the KDG class. Oh, well. What she lacks in size she makes up for in character, might, and smarts, giving a visual image to the words, "little fireball."

Paradoxically, Jack weighed in 11# 1 oz at 5 weeks old....rougly 1/3 of Camille's weight. Keeps this up and he'll be wearing her clothes by Christmas.

Okay, maybe not........unless it's her Creighton T-shirt.

Five Years in the Making

Sigh.

Sunday the 12th, my big girl turned five years old.

Sigh.

It was an amazing day. The best birthday she's had yet. A far cry from spending her 2nd birthday in the ER for glaucoma. Miles away from me wondering if she was ever going to overcome her visual impairment to be able to piece the whole experience together.

She was in her glory. And so was I.

Grammie, Pappie, Grandma O'Neill and Uncle John came down to celebrate starting on Saturday. Uncle Mitch and Uncle P.J. happened to be in town and got in on the partying on Sunday.

It was a day full of her favorite things....her family.. unlimited carbohydrates (Panera cinnamon rolls for breakfast, mac n cheese for lunch, chocolate cake with chocolate frosting), many rounds of "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" cardgame and "Candyland Castle", books, and music. She relished in opening her gifts and even more so, loved reading all of her cards in print and braille. (Leave it to her to be one of the rare five-year-olds who loves reading her cards more than opening her gifts). Endearingly, she chattered all day about all of the things that she could do by herself now that she was 5. Don't think I won't milk this one.

Tonight, she went to get her pictures taken by our beloved Jacki in honor of her fifth birthday. She was so grown up and loved every minute of her photo shoot. I was floored at how much she embraced her time in the limelight.

Camille, you leave me speechless. I learn life lessons from you every day about courage, love, and the power of determination. You are the gift...on your birthday and everyday you are a part of my life.

Welcome Jack William!!

Our household has certainly been a lively place since I last tapped out an entry.....in May.....





Camille had hamstring release surgery on May 29th and was in Gumby-green casts for four weeks.





We moved into our new house on June 19th. Woo hoo! We are absolutely loving it.





But, undoubtedly, the best event of the summer came on June 12. At 9:44 a.m., Jack William O'Neill came into our lives weighing 8# 8 oz and measuring 20 3/4 inches long. He is the new man in our lives and he is a completely amazing little individual.





The birth of a child is a surreal experience. You would think after meeting my five children in the last five years, I would be used to it; however, I find no anticipation more heart-fluttering than wondering what it will be like to see my child for the first time, to know what he looks like, to feel her soft skin and to begin that bonding experience which results in one of the most of complicated endeavors of a person's lifetime.





So, that's where I've been. Of late, I have given up the blogosphere for late night dates with my wonderful little Jack, knowing full well that these days will be gone in a whiff and I will never get them back. But, the time has come to introduce him to the world, in picture and in word. So, here are my favorite things.





His name. Jack William. It is so sprouty. So lively. So full of possibility. With a name like Jack, he will certainly have a spiky cowlick as a little man. Named after my Uncle, John (Jack) Raymond Rademacher, I can picture my grandma smiling down at his name, the name she gave her own son. And though Jack is my first child that Grandma Irene has not gotten to meet in person, I can see her rocking him and commenting on his nice ears. Also named after his Daddy William and his Pappie, Frederick William, how can he go wrong in life?





His yawns. How can a yawn be so exaggerated and so cute except in a baby?





Okay, this is so cruel, but I love that game I can play with him when he is so hungry. The rooting reflex is such a curious thing. When it's time to eat, all I have to do is poke around his mouth with my finger and he chases it around with his head and pants like a little puppy and gets more excited than I do in Archiver's or Hobby Lobby.





Undoubtedly, the best feeling is the world is having him fall asleep on my chest, curled up in a little baby ball. Baby breathing should be captured for relaxation therapy.

Baby snores. How can something so annoying in adults be so endearing with babies.

Baby burps and toots. Ditto.

Snoozing together and burning the midnight oil. In the past three weeks, we have managed to learn everything about Michael Jackson by watching AC360 and Larry King Live, sometimes
two or even three times in a night as they repeatedly re-run themselves on CNN. (What can we say---it's better and cheaper than infomercials.)

I love you, my little man Jack. You are already growing up way too quickly but I will promise to try to savour every moment as we grow together. Thanks for curling up with me as you become a part of mylittlespace.