Mom's Letter to Camille

Dear Camille,


Someday, when you are older, perhaps you will read my blog. Perhaps not. I do know that my thoughts are not for you to know now, and they certainly are not for you to understand now. However, later in life, they may be a momento to you and who I was when you were young as well as who you were when you were young.


Today is the day of your 8th birthday, and it has been an extraordinarily memorable day. We spent it celebrating on vacation in the mountains, Estes Park, CO to be specific...as I know you are into specifics. Grammie and Pappie are here with us. You got to set the agenda for the day, which was PERFECT because you find agendas quite thrilling....such a planner you are. We ate breakfast in a local cafe with your usual fare of a cinnamon roll. We traveled up the Aerial Tramway and spent a couple of hours exploring at the top of the mountain feeding chipmunks and hiking a bit. After that: FUNPLEX for minigolf, bungee trampolining, super-high slides and bumper boats. You picked Bill and Tony's Pizza for supper, followed by hot-tubbing at the condo, exploring the Big Thompson River again, opening presents, and eating gourmet cupcakes. I don't think we could have filled the day any fuller, which is appropriate because that is the way you are each day of your life.


Okay, now onto the profound....because I am a thinker, you know.


I knew I was going to resurrect my blog today. I have been meaning to for awhile now, and today presented the perfect opportunity...vacation means time to blog and your birthday meant an obvious event to blog about.


I figured it would be something light and fluffy. But then, at breakfast, you had to go and leave me speechless.


As we were sitting around the breakfast table at this oooh-tooo-local cafe, you asked me, point blank, "Mom, are you happy that I was born on July 12 instead of October 23?" (The background, of course, is that October 23rd was your due date. Your birthdate, July 12, came 15 weeks too soon, bringing you into the world at a whopping 1# 13 oz.)


I sat in silence, as did everyone at the table, stunned by the question and the complexity of the answer. Today, you were only 8. I do not believe in not telling you the truth; however, I also do not believe in loading you down with information that you should be protected from by childhood innocence. So...your dad and I very truthfully answered, "Camille, we love absolutely everything about you. We would never want to change a thing about who you are."


As you grow older and undoubtedly learn more about science and the gravity of what it means to be born so very prematurely, you will come to question a few things with that extremely curious mind of yours. You will realize that had you been born on October 23rd instead of July 12, things would probably very different. In all honesty, you would not have had to fight so vehemently for your life as a baby. You would likely not have a significant visual impairment. You would not have battled glaucoma and had to have an enucleation. You wouldn't have surgeries numbering in the double-digits already. You would probably have a very normal gait and "mild cerebral palsy" would probably not be words in your medical record. You wouldn't have had to fight for every developmental milestone those first few years of life. Sam and Hannah would probably be alive on this earth.


What you NEED to know is that you would also not be the amazing person you are today. You might not have this crazy, wacky, out-of-the world IQ that you have. Your musical talent might not be what it is. This amazing curiousity that you have may not exist. You might not be the wonderful friend that you are to others, being completely non-judgemental and open to everyone else's gifts and attributes. You may not be the determined, hard-working girl that you are. You wouldn't be "bilingual" in braille and print. You wouldn't be the adaptive technology guru that you are. Your zest for life and your unwavering spirit may be lost. You may not be this amazing source of inspiration that you have become to people we know and love, as well as people whom we meet briefly in passing. You would not have two amazing angels hovering about you. You may not have Jack and Liv. You would not be YOU and because of this, I would be saddened, and the world would be missing out terribly. I am not too foolish to realize that even the smallest of events on this earth affect many other events that follow. I don't want to even envision what life would have been like if life hadn't happened as it did. There are too many variables, and we have found too many gifts in even the hard times. We have found giftedness in the way that the chips have fallen. And boy, has your life graced this world.


From the minute you were born, I could sense that you were a survivor. The vibes coming from your corner of the NICU gave the message, "I will not go down without a fight." At the same time, you were a sweet bundle of babe with charisma and an instant fan club. This is still you today, and can be yours for the rest of time.


The world is yours.


Love you to the moon and back and infinity and beyond,


Mom